


Strength of a Wolf (that lost too much)

by fanficloverme96



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-18
Updated: 2014-10-18
Packaged: 2018-02-21 15:40:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2473559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fanficloverme96/pseuds/fanficloverme96
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>ONE-SHOT: Xiumin liked to think that he's strong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Strength of a Wolf (that lost too much)

Xiumin liked to think he was strong.

He wasn’t called the strongest member of EXO-M, and perhaps of EXO, for nothing.

He had his fair share of martial arts, too and while it wasn’t anywhere as good as Tao’s, he’d like to think he’s capable of protecting himself physically.

He doesn’t cry easily except at movies and maybe songs, but it’s hard to move him to tears. Not by much. Not by a lot.

When Kris left EXO, Xiumin liked to say he was surprised. Not hurt. Not angry. Not sad. Just…surprised. It left a numb feeling in his heart, though, like he wasn’t quite sure how he should react. He had watched the others react negatively to the news; he had listened to Lay cursing, watched Tao bury his head in his hands and comforted Luhan as he cried silently into his shoulder. They felt  _something,_ but Xiumin-

He didn’t feel much.

Maybe, he comforted himself one evening, it was simply because he was stronger than the rest.

He went through the rest of the promotion without giving his bandmate’s departure too much of a thought, and aside from that one time during a broadcast of Happy Camp, Xiumin didn’t think about Kris leaving at all.

He refused to think about it because he didn’t want to end up like Tao, who would still tear up a little at the mention of his hyung’s name.

Xiumin liked to think he was strong, after all.

“Minseok-ah,” Luhan had said one afternoon, “Don’t you miss him? Even if by a bit?”

“Why do you ask?” he replied because Kris was still a sore subject to bring up and he eyed Tao who snuggled with his toy panda as he slept, eyes still red from crying. That had been a gift from Kris not long before he left and their manager had tried to make Tao to get rid of it but to no avail.

“You don’t seem to be affected too much by it,” Luhan said quietly, “He was our leader…Aren’t you a bit upset?”

Xiumin gave a small hum and shrugged. “He must have had his reasons for leaving.”

He must have had his reasons to leave them, even when they needed him the most. Xiumin liked to think he didn’t leave them without any good reason.

It was the only thought that comforted him at night so he could fall asleep.

Their tour had started off just fine, despite everything and Xiumin reassured himself that from here point out, everything would be okay. Nothing was going to change anymore. They will pull through it together and if Kris were to see them, Xiumin hoped that at least their ex-bandmate was proud that they’re doing  fine.

Xiumin knew everything was going to be alright.

Until Luhan started falling sick.

It had started with a cough. Luhan wouldn’t stop coughing in the car and he had complained of a headache. At night, he couldn’t fall asleep despite being exhausted beyond his mind. When he woke up with a fever, Xiumin had demanded he’d take a break and visit the hospital. Their manager agreed and told Luhan not to perform in their next concert.

Health came first, he had said, and Luhan can perform in their Beijing concert when he’s better.

The night after one concert was over, Xiumin sat on Luhan’s bed, placing a cool cloth on Luhan’s forehead. Luhan was looking at him through half-lidded eyes, already half-asleep. His fever had gone down and his cough had receded but the doctor’s words earlier still rang in Xiumin’s mind that made him worry whether Luhan was okay or not.

Sleep disturbance. That was what he called it when Luhan complained of his sudden insomnia.  It was caused by his lack of sleep and general overwork. It had sounded scary then, and it still sounded scary now.

“Minseok-ah…” Luhan whispered.

“Hm?”

“Do you think…when Kris left….he was sick, too?”

Xiumin paused and regarded Luhan with a surprised stare.

“I’ve seen the news…that he had hospital visits before….I was wondering if maybe the reason he left so suddenly was because he was too sick to carry on anymore.” Luhan yawned and blinked sleepily at Xiumin, who was unsure on how to reply him.

“If he was sick, he could have told us,” Xiumin said, “Or if he ever planned on leaving at all, he could have consulted us.”

And for the first time in ages, Xiumin felt angry.

“He left us, Luhan. Without warning. He could have told us  _something_  but he didn’t. He ran away,” Xiumin paused when he noticed the change in Luhan’s expression. It was almost sad. “It was bad timing,” he murmured, distracting himself by playing the material of the blanket.

“When someone is in a bad situation, there’s never really a good timing to get out of it,” Luhan said gently, “You just…get out of it.”

Xiumin said nothing.

“Hey…Minseok-ah?”

“Hm?”

“How would you feel if I were to tell you that when Kris left, I actually felt like leaving myself?”

The way Xiumin had whipped his head to look at Luhan in surprise would have been comical if it weren’t for the fact that the situation was anything but funny.

“What?” he asked, his voice hushed.

Luhan smiled tiredly. “I’m tired, Xiumin. Exhausted beyond words. There are many reasons I could say to you right now on why I want to leave but it’s mainly because I’m so tired.” He stared at the ceiling thoughtfully, fully awake now. “Being a part of EXO is fun and you guys are like family to me but recently…I’ve been thinking to myself…what am I really doing, anymore? I’m not as active as the rest of you…and I get sick a lot…and I miss my family. I miss them a lot. It felt like ages since the last time I saw them. It made me think, Minseok-ah. Is staying worth it? I don’t even know what I’m here for, anymore.”

Xiumin didn’t know what to say. He knew that their company had its issues, some more frustrating than others, and he had seen how exhausted his bandmates had gotten but still pushed themselves to perform but he hadn’t expect Luhan to actually want to _leave_.

Leave them behind. Like Kris did.

“But I stayed,” Luhan continued, breaking Xiumin’s train of thought, “I stayed because we had a lot of things going on and I didn’t want to trouble you guys. I stayed and said to myself I could pull through this.  _We_  could pull through this,” he said with a smile, grasping Xiumin’s hand. “I want to hang on just a little bit longer. But I think…it’s about time I think about myself for once.”

The expression Luhan regarded Xiumin was almost heartbreaking. “That’s okay…right?” he asked, “I love you all…I love you all so much. But is it okay for me…to think about myself for once?”

_No._

_Luhan, please stay. Don’t go._

“Of course, it is, Luhan,” Xiumin smiled, despite the pain that steadily rose in his chest, “No matter what, we are one, aren’t we? If you’ll end up healthier and happier than you are now…then everything’s going to be fine.”

Luhan had fallen asleep with a smile, still holding on to Xiumin’s hand.

Xiumin himself, was unable to fall asleep.

* * *

*

Luhan announced his plan to leave to the rest of EXO members the next day.

Despite the initial shock, surprisingly, they were mostly supportive of him, telling him to take care of himself and that they will always be family. They are EXO. They are one.

When Luhan left for Beijing not long after their tour ended and the news of his lawsuit had reached the media, Xiumin had looked at Luhan’s empty room. His empty bed. His empty shelves and desks and wardrobe.

Everything  that reminded him of Luhan was gone.

Luhan had truly left them. Left EXO. Left him.

Xiumin didn’t cry.

He liked to think he was strong, after all.

**Author's Note:**

> So this is literally my first fic that has anything to do with K-Pop boybands so please be kind to me. Also, I'm not really too sure when it comes to the honorifics so any mistakes, kindly inform me. :)
> 
> Also, Xiumin's supposed reactions was based on the article on Kris's departure. EXO-M members did express their disappointment over the whole issue, especially Tao who was really upset, but Xiumin's statement was pretty much on a general side so I'm not entirely sure whether he's upset...surprised?


End file.
